THE University of Virginia, currently 1-7, versus A University of North Carolina, currently 7-2, on the fourteenth day of November, the year of our Lord one thousand, nine hundred, and eighty-one.
PREGAME

    Band Sthands in 3 lines facing the student stands along the opposite sideline.

Ann:  A Wahoo on the roof.  Sounds crazy, no?  But here at Mr. Jefferson's Academical Village, every one of us is a Wahoo on the roof.  And how, you may ask, do we keep our balance?  It's amazing considering how much we drink.  But I can tell you in one word:  Tradition.

(Band plays "Tradition")

Ann:  Rabbi Jefferson, is there a blessing for the Czarheels?  Yes, my son:  May the Lord bless and keep the Czarheels far away from us!
    Here at the University, we have traditions for everything:  how we eat, how we dress, what we drink, how much we drink.  For instance, every time we eat Contract, we throw up.  And where does this activity come from?  I don't know, it's a tradition!  Also a necessity.
    Because of our traditions, each and every one of us knows where we are, and what Mr. Jefferson expexts from us ... except at Easters.  And now another great tradition:  The University of Virginia half-time bar mitzva band and lox and bagels society revue, unimited!!!
    Band, take the West Bank!

(Band Runs on the field, standard pregame.  Band then plays "To Life!")
 

Halftime
(Band stands in 2 lines in the North Endzone.  Band plays Star Trek Fanfare)

Ann:  Halftime ... the Final Frontier.  These are the shows of the Starship Pep Band.  It's five minute mission ... to explore strange new fields, to seek out new lows in musical performance, to boldly offend where no band has offended before ... Warp Two, Mr. Sulu!!!
(Band runs to first formation)

GUNSHOT:

Ann:  Well, the Space Shuttle finally got off the ground Thursday morning after a week's delay, only to return to Earth today.  Apparently, during the routine 90 million mile check-up, two Ford Pinto oil filters, essential ingrediants in the spaceship's lubrication system, were not replaced.  When Pep Band sources contacted the Fram Oil Filter Company, a company spokesman replied, "They was too cheep to buy them oil filters back in October, so they left the old ones in.  But like I day on TV, you can pay me now, or you can pay me later."  Watch now as the Pep Band forms and plays like the world's biggest clogged oil filter.

Music:  "Up, Up, and Away!"

GUNSHOT:  RALPH (One step off)

Ann:  The Pep Band hopes all loyal Wahoos will be attending the Blue-Orange Game tonight at 7:00 at U-Hall, featuring the 1982 ACC Champs, the Virginia Cavaliers.  Speaking of Basketball, the Pep Band asks:  How do Wahoos spell relief?  R-A-L-P-H.  (Band steps into formation)

Music:  "Hogan's Heros"

GUNSHOT:

Ann:  Buckingham Palace sources have officiall declared that Princess Diana is indeed with child.  In an exclusive Pep Band interview, the Princess staunchly refuted allegations that the House of Windsor's newest addition would be born before July.  Unfortunately, the interview was cut short when Di's contractions increased to two minute intervals.

Music:  "Brahm's Lullaby"

GUNSHOT:  29

Ann:  We would now like to salute the one group of stadium performers that puts on a funnier show than the Pep Band.  Currently in it's thirtieth smash week, congratulations go out to the Northwestern University football team.

Music:  "Mr. Touchdown, USA"

GUNSHOT:  UNC

Ann:  FLASH!!!  Governor-elect Chuck Robb recently made his first major policy decision of interstate detante.  With hopes of improving relations with the State of North Carolina, he will send a bus-load of Virginia Tech students to Chapel Hill, thereby increasing the average IQ of both states.

Music: "Carolina in the Morning"

(Band relinquishes field to another half of gridiron futility)